Don’t let yourself become angry, even if the other person’s conduct justifies it. Stay calm. Let your staff member vent any feelings. Once the individual is done, he or she may be more prepared to listen to you and your side of the disagreement.
Pause once the person is through. Use body language to communicate to the other party, “I hear you and I want to help.” Mirror the individual’s position and posture, if possible. Getting on the same physical level as the other person can build rapport: sit if that person is seated; stand if that person is standing. When it is your turn to respond, speak in a calm voice. The other party will match the level of your voice. If you truly have heard out the other party, you should know exactly the source of the anger.
When you finally speak up, make an empathetic statement. Say something like, “I can see why you feel that way,” or, “If I believed that . . . , I’d probably feel the same way as you do.” Don’t sound patronizing. Resist the temptation, too, to accept responsibility on your organization’s part or another employee’s as a way to put an end to the confrontation. Capitulation will only create further difficulties.
Rather, ask questions. Your intent is to determine the nature of the problem. Sometimes, the comments made by the other party are only a smoke screen, or the other party isn’t as correct about the situation as he or she thinks.
Does this mean that you never should let your feelings out? Not at all. Sometimes, controlled anger can make clear an issue’s importance. I know a manager who doesn’t get angry at any of his employees when they make a mistake. Rather, she focuses on the situation itself, shouting about the problem the mistake has caused, demonstrating how important the error is and thereby encouraging more care by her employees in the future.
Likewise, you can show anger at an individual. If you think that seeing you show anger will serve your relationship well, then express it in a controlled manner. Don’t yell and scream—such behavior will only make you look overly emotional and unprofessional. Ideally, rather than lose your temper, express your feelings of anger: “I feel angry because. . . .”