Sometimes, individuals will attempt to manipulate you. Manipulation can bring on either passive or aggressive response patterns. Let me share three assertiveness techniques that you can use to retain control of the conversation.
Negative Inquiry
This gets people to open up and give you information you might not otherwise have. Let me describe a situation in which negative inquiry might be effective. You didn’t get the bonus you think you earned. Rather than whine or yell at your manager, you might ask simply, “Jay, I was wondering why I didn’t get a bonus this year.” Let’s assume that your manager responds simply, “I didn’t think you deserved it.” He’s holding back information, and you know it. You could let this response add to your frustration, or you could remain calm and ask another question like, “What did I do that you think I should not have done?” Jay might then tell you that you didn’t do any one thing but your performance was “just average,” that you still haven’t mastered all the skills and abilities you need as a manager. “You make all the mistakes a new manager makes.” Which might prompt you to ask Jay, “What specifically have I been doing wrong?” Now you are on a roll—if you can find out the problem, you can remedy it and get that bonus next year.
For instance, Jay might mention that your paperwork tends to be a bit late. “Am I taking too much time?” you might ask, then pause. Jay could respond, “No, just longer than someone with more experience might take.” You might continue to ask questions about your job performance, identifying examples of average work. At the end of the conversation, you might ask Jay, “If I correct all these problems you’ve mentioned, will I have a chance to receive a bonus next year?” He, in turn, might reply, “Very probably.”
What did you do? First, you asked questions that focused on the problem but did not criticize the manager or yourself personally. Consequently, you were able to remain calm. More importantly, you determined what was bothering your manager. Negative inquiry encourages others to say what they really want.
Broken Record
In Communicating Up, Down, and Sideways, I will show how this technique can keep you from letting a colleague manipulate you. It’s another assertive communication technique and is especially helpful to those managers who have trouble saying no.
Let’s say you have a persistent salesperson in your office. He seems unable to accept the fact that you don’t want to buy what he’s selling—1,000 stuffed animals with your firm’s name on them to use at a trade show.
The salesperson might ask, “You want your booth to get lots of attention, don’t you?”
You might respond, “I understand, but I’m not interested.”
“But these stuffed animals are found to generate follow-up calls.” Your reply: “I understand, but I’m not interested.” Exasperated, the salesperson might say, “You don’t understand or you would want to buy these. Let me ask you, who is your firm’s biggest competitor?”
Rather than reply to the question, you would repeat, “I understand, but I’m not interested.”
At this point the salesperson might taunt you with, “Your competitors would be interested in using these materials.”
Your reply: “I understand, but I’m not interested.”
The salesperson would likely give up at this point. If not, you would continue with the broken record technique until this persistent person takes the lot of beanie business boosters elsewhere.
Fogging
This technique is somewhat like the broken record, in that it requires persistence on your part. The technique enables you to respond to someone’s critical comment. This technique is especially useful in dealing with criticism from a peer. It’s another solution to an indirect verbal put-down, but it also works very well with someone who wants to manipulate you, someone like Diane who liked to make P.T., her young colleague, uneasy about his work.
P.T. told me that Diane one day said, “I see that you’ve turned out your usual sloppy paperwork.”
Rather than become defensive, P.T. turned to Diane and replied, “You’re right. My paperwork could be a little neater.”
“The same comment about your paperwork could be made about your appearance. You’re dressed in your usual sloppy manner.”
Again, rather than let her manipulate him into losing his temper, he replied, “That’s right. I’m dressed in my usual way.”
She continued, “How do you expect to be respected by looking like that?” P.T. answered, “My clothes sense isn’t exactly my strong point.” Diane gave it one last try: “Strong point? I don’t think you have any.”
P.T. told her, “I do have a lot of faults.”
Diane walked away, aware that she couldn’t rattle P.T. Which may explain why she later involved him in a key crossfunctional project and recommended P.T., whom she continued to call “the kid,” for the Golden Eagle Award for his contribution to the team’s efforts.