Developing an assertive style isn’t easy. Constant practice is necessary. The following eight steps should help, however.
Listen to yourself. Are you speaking in an assertive manner? Are you too passive or too aggressive?
Keep a record of your assertiveness. Record each day those situations in which you found yourself responding assertively, those in which you blew it, and those you avoided altogether so that you would not have to act assertively.
Reflect on a particular situation. Review how you handled a specific situation—for example, seeing an employee come in late after numerous warnings. Did you ignore the behavior once again, did you lose your temper, or did you call the employee into your office and speak calmly to determine the cause of the tardiness?
Review your replies. Think about what you specifically said. While you might generally have communicated in an assertive manner, did you lose it during your conversation and slip briefly into a passive or aggressive style? If so, what do you think prompted the lapse?
Consider alternative responses. Ask yourself how you could have handled the situation better. Could you have dealt with it more to your advantage?
Imagine yourself handling the situation in a new way. Try out new responses to situations. Be assertive, but be as natural as you can. At this point, it may be helpful to model yourself after someone who has handled a similar situation well.
Do it. Be aware of the feedback you receive, both verbal and nonverbal. Did you accomplish your goals?
Be aware of feedback. Continue to adapt your behavior to achieve your desired interpersonal goals. Ask colleagues and peers, “How am I doing?”
The best managers are open and direct communicators, able to express their feelings, needs, and wants to others. Managers tend to get results when they unambiguously communicate their goals and objectives. Energy is often wasted defending and attacking, when in reality, goal-oriented behavior usually works best.
Those who have this assertiveness knack are comfortable with themselves, and others are likely to be comfortable with them—at least, they aren’t likely to feel threatened by them. They won’t try put-downs, verbal attacks, or exploitation. Rather, they communicate in a straightforward manner. A healthy self- respect grows between assertive managers and their staff. Openness begets trust and builds confidence.
Tips
If you agree with praise, don’t be afraid to say so. “Thank you. I was pleased with the work myself.” If you don’t feel the praise was justified, don’t argue—just thank the person.
Make a refusal brief and clear but not abrupt. “I would rather not. . . .”
Don’t make excuses. They will just backfire on you. Besides, making excuses is nonassertive behavior.
Keep in mind that a request isn’t a command. If a request is being made, then you have the right to say no.
See Also
Burley-Allen, Madelyn. Managing Assertively: How to Improve Your People Skills. John Wiley & Sons, 1995.
Davidson, Jeff. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Assertiveness. Alpha Books, 1997.