You may be very articulate but still lack the specific skills to respond to criticism or aggressive put-downs, praise, or other emotional situations. You need to learn how to express your feelings. “I statements” enable you to focus on the problem or situation without accusing or blaming the other person. For instance, you might say to an employee who interrupts you at meetings, “I’d like to finish describing my idea without interruption,” instead of, “You always interrupt me,” or, alternatively, letting the individual cut you off and take over the discussion. The point is to express what you feel, think, or need.
“I feel angry when. . . .”
“I think this because. . . .”
“I need this done today because. . . .”
You don’t create the likelihood of a conflict, because you aren’t blaming anyone for a situation. Rather, you are making clear, concise, simple statements that reflect your wants, needs, or feelings. “I get angry when you break your promises,” rather than, “You make me angry when you break your promises,” or, “I believe the best policy is to. . . . ,” instead of, “The only sensible thing is to. . . .”
Let’s say you want feedback on a new software program. If you say, “This is a good system,” or, “This is the best system on the market,” you close the door to feedback, but if you say, “I like this system,” you allow your staff members either to agree or to disagree.
To provide constructive criticism, you might say, “Elsie, I’ve noticed that your typing has a lot of errors lately,” raising a performance problem, rather than, “Elsie, you have become a bad typist lately.” The latter statement blames Elsie personally and does not justify the comment. Factual descriptions are assertive, whereas judgments may be aggressive. More examples of aggressive communication include, “If you don’t change your attitude, you’ll be in real trouble,” and “If you continue to arrive after 9:00 AM,I will have to give you two days’ probation.”
Likewise, make requests clear and direct. Ask, “Will you please . . . ?” rather than “Would you mind . . . ?” or, “Why don’t you . . . ?” Where there is doubt or uncertainty about how you and a peer might proceed, you might ask rather than demand, “Can we work together to find a solution to this?”