Let’s look at two situations, in particular, that can create awkwardness. The first might not seem difficult, but for some people it is: responding to praise. Your manager tells you, “You did a great job on that report.” Some people might say in response, “The report? I really didn’t have time to prepare,” or, “Oh, it was nothing,” which has the effect of impolitely throwing back the praise at the manager.
These are nonassertive or passive responses. Alternatively, some managers might say, “Do I get a raise?” or, “I did a better job than anyone else on staff,” or just make a “Humph!” sound of acknowledgement. No matter how justified it may be, it’s unlikely that the manager would want to offer praise in the future, because the compliment had either no effect or a negative effect.
Let’s assume that your manager says you’ve done a terrific job in running a customer focus group. You might say assertively, “Thank you so much. I was prepared for all eventualities.” Perhaps you might answer, “Thanks.” Sometimes, all that is needed are the words Thank you or a smile.
Put-downs are more difficult to handle, but they can be managed assertively too. Let’s assume that you have been assigned to research a potential corporate ally. In the past, the task has been given to a peer, but your manager has decided to give you this opportunity. Tim, your peer, is resentful and asks in an accusing tone, “Do you really think you can handle this task? A mistake could cost the company a lot of money.”
Rather than get angry, you might tell your colleague, “I’m sure I’ll do a good job.” You might want to follow up to better understand what prompted your coworker’s comment: “I see that you are upset. Do you have a problem with the boss asking me to do the research?”
When your colleague admits that he is upset with your being assigned a task he normally does, you can then respond to the real reason behind the put-down.
Let’s assume that your peer seems to accept the idea that your manager wants to increase your responsibilities in several areas. However, when you submit your analysis before the group, he tells everyone, “Well, you actually did a good job.” In other words, he put you down—but in a subtle fashion.
Your peer indirectly attacked you, showing indirect aggression. You can ignore the remark and open the door to its repetition at other group meetings (passive response), or you can stop by your peer’s office later in the day and say, “I didn’t understand what you meant by that remark at our meeting today. What are you really saying?” Thus, you put your peer on the spot by insisting he explain. If a problem lies between you, it should surface so you can address it. (See Chapter 8 on conflict management.)
There’s another form of put-down: the nonverbal kind. Instead of words, the individual communicates through a pout, a smirk, or an exasperated sigh.
You have asked your employee to finish an inventory report before 5:00 PM. Rather than say anything, she frowns and gives an exasperated sigh. Yes, she knew that the inventory report would be due by the end of the day. The deadline shouldn’t come as a surprise to her. You can ignore the body language, or you can ask, assertively, for clarification. For example, you might ask, “Alice, I don’t understand. Is there a problem?”
It turns out that Alice was invited to dinner. It was a last-minute offer from some friends, and she wants to go. You can tell her, “I need the report in time for a 9:30 meeting. Will you be in early tomorrow and get the report to me in time?”
She tells you that she will have it on your desk by 9:15. The problem is solved. At least, this problem is handled. But you may want to ask Alice, “I wonder if I should have given you the information you needed to complete the report sooner in the day. Do you know if there is a way to get that information?”
Alice might have a solution—which would put an end to her having to put in overtime and to any more exasperated sighs about inventory reports.
“That’s a good idea, Alice. When you sighed, I really didn’t know what to think. Let’s talk about the situation tomorrow, after my meeting.”