Studies have shown that typically we remember about 30 percent of what we hear. The effective listener will try to improve on this percentage through the following techniques.
Focus on What Is Being Said
We think about four times faster than we talk. That is a lot of thinking time. You can take advantage of it. Rather than think about what you will say next, ask yourself what further information would be helpful in understanding a speaker’s message.
If you are in a meeting, take notes if you can do so without distracting yourself from what is being said. (There will be more about note taking in this chapter because it can be a major aid for a busy manager.)
It’s very easy to let our thoughts distract us from what is being said. In today’s lean, high-stress organizations, our minds are preoccupied with numerous concerns. They have no time to be interrupted by someone talking to them. Consequently, they don’t listen and so lose out on valuable insights and information.
If you want to be a good listener, you need to make a serious commitment towards becoming one. Don’t be one of those people who are poor listeners simply because they have no intention of listening well. They’re too wrapped up in their own concerns to hear anyone else.
Prompt Further Information
We often assume that an entire message has been communicated when a speaker stops talking. Not so. The speaker may have much more information to share. Any statement can be followed up by at least one more statement of explanation or example. Therefore, your response, whenever possible, should be a question that elicits further information.
This question should be neutral, nonjudgmental, and nonaccusing; it should seek only to keep the conversation flowing along the theme already established by the speaker. You don’t have to ask a specific question. Repeat what the speaker just said with a questioning tone. For instance, if the speaker is defending himself against a customer’s complaint, telling you, “I shouldn’t be blamed for a systems error,” you might say, “You feel that you are being blamed,” or, “You think the problem is due to a systems problem.” Such a response naturally leads to further information—and maybe awareness of an operating problem.
Also, if you are concerned about upsetting a staff member further by anything you say, rephrasing what the employee has said will enable you to carry on the conversation without further igniting the situation.
Probe with Open-Ended Questions
Don’t ask questions that can only be answered with a yes or a no. Closed questions won’t explore either the speaker’s feelings or the facts for errors and insights.
Beware of Your Personal Biases
As we listen to what people are saying, their words pass through our personal frame of reference built over the years from life experiences. Some remarks can trigger emotions that impede our ability to understand the message from the speaker’s perspective. Consequently, an important step toward becoming an effective listener is for you to recognize how perceptual filters may influence your understanding. This insight will reduce the danger that emotional reactions might cloud your thinking.
Restate What Has Been Said
Many books suggest that we paraphrase, but that doesn’t mean that you should parrot the speaker. Rather, you should repeat what you heard in your words. Say, “Let me be sure I understand clearly what you want me to do. First . . . second . . . third . . . ,” or, “Are you saying that . . . ?” or, “The main points you’ve covered so far are. . . . Have I left out anything you said?” This is reflective listening.
The difference between parroting a speaker and reflective listening goes beyond demonstrating to the speaker that you have truly heard and understood. By paraphrasing the individual’s views, you are giving the person a chance to reflect on what was said, and maybe even to have a change of mind after hearing it again. Some handy paraphrasing responses are:
- “If I understand you correctly, you’re saying. . . .”
- “You really mean that. . . .”
- “As you see it. . . .”
- “Let me see if I get where you’re coming from on that—you think that. . . .”
- “So, to sum up then, you feel. . . .”
Reflective listening shouldn’t be used in each and every conversation you have with employees, peers, customers, or your own manager. It works best when you and the other party are in disagreement over an issue and want to talk things over, when you or someone else has a conflict to resolve, or when someone wants feedback on an idea.
Overlook “Hot-Button” Words
Sometimes, an individual will use profanity or call you a name in anger. If you allow yourself to get hung up on the individual’s word choice, you may miss the primary message. Hear the customer or employee out.
Avoid Me-Too Interceptions
Your staff member comes in to tell you about a problem with a customer. “Jameson is a real crank. I can’t do anything to please him. Do you know that yesterday. . . .” Before your worker completes the story, you jump in, “If you want to talk about annoying customers, I remember this old customer we had when I first came to work here. He. . . .” Before you know it, you are talking about your
self rather than allowing your employee to express frustration about a current client.
Yes, you should look for opportunities to share common experiences, but timing is key. Don’t grab the ball in a conversational interception. Hear out your employee—even if you have heard a similar complaint before.
Be Flexible
You are talking about Topic A when the employee makes a remark that seems off the topic—in fact, puts you squarely on Topic Z. The comment may seem irrelevant, but it may be a clue to what’s really on the employee’s mind. To find out more about what your employee is thinking, shift gears from Topic A to Topic Z. You can always go back to Topic A after you’ve finished with Topic Z.
Respond to the Feelings, Then Focus on the Facts
Too often, managers do the reverse just to avoid an emotional outburst with an upset employee or customer. Let me tell you a story.
Frances, who is a creative designer in an ad agency, had sat through a meeting with her supervisor, an account manager, the firm’s vice president, and the client representative. Every idea for a new marketing campaign that she presented was vetoed. Although she was told that the work was good, the group said it did not capture the client’s needs. At the end of the meeting, Frances was furious and, fuming, she went into the account manager’s office.
“I can’t believe what just happened,” she told Bill. “I put in a lot of overtime to come up with those designs. They represent my best work. How could they simply disregard it?” she asked him. “Calm down, calm down,” he said. “Go back to your office and prepare some new designs.” He, then, turned back to the material on his desk.
“But you don’t understand,” said Frances. “I don’t know. . . .” Bill was preoccupied with other tasks and wasn’t even listening.
As Frances left, she slammed the door.
Later that afternoon, Bill was speaking to Frances’s team leader. “How are her new designs coming?” he asked. “They aren’t,” Leslie answered. “She has no idea what the group meant when it said her designs weren’t suitable. She’s just sitting at her desk staring into space. What advice did you give her?” Leslie asked.
That’s when it came to Bill. He hadn’t given her any advice. He didn’t want to cope with her anger or frustration and, consequently, hadn’t done anything more than tell her to “calm down” and get to work. He should have allowed her to share her feelings, then discussed alternative designs that might satisfy the client.
Customer service representatives are familiar with the need to respond to feelings first when confronted with an irate customer. Let’s assume a customer calls to complain about a late delivery. The rep says, “I’ll have another delivery out of the warehouse in an hour. You should get it tomorrow.” Right move? Wrong. The rep solved the customer’s problem but failed to acknowledge the customer’s justifiable anger.
Questions, comments, explanations, and even solutions come a lot easier after, not before, pent-up emotions are released.
Don’t Assume
Too often, when someone is speaking, we assume that we already know what they are talking about and, consequently, don’t have to listen. Worse, we don’t listen for what we don’t want to hear.
At a construction firm, a foreman told the regional manager that he was making irresponsible promises to customers. “There’s no way that we can make these completion dates,” he said. “Delivery of raw materials is also running behind schedule. And I’ve got too few men on my crew.” “Don’t worry,” the regional manager reassured. “I’ll look into it and see what I can do.” But he did nothing.
As time went on, there were other such discussions. The regional manager knew that the foreman had received lots of flak from customers. Deliveries continued to be behind schedule and staff still was short. But, again, the regional manager did nothing.
Six months later, the foreman quit to join another construction firm, taking many of his former customers with him. “Why are you doing this?” the manager asked. Clearly, he hadn’t heard the foreman’s complaints. So he lost a top-notch worker.