Just as our voice, face and body gestures, and posture communicate our sense of self-confidence and interest in what others are saying, so others’ behavior may tell us about whether they agree, are comfortable, like us, and so forth. Nonverbal behavior is important to understanding others as well as interacting positively with them.
But before I share this information, let me offer one caveat: if you doubt the veracity of a speaker’s words, you may want to probe gently further. We’ve all read books and heard presentations about what various gestures mean: that arms folded across the chest indicate a closed, defensive attitude; that leaning forward means interest; that shrugged shoulders mean indifference; that narrow eyes and a set jaw mean defiance; that a smile and nod mean agreement; and the like. But not every vocal intonation, facial or body gesture, or posture means what the textbooks tell us. Yes, they all offer clues, but our interpretation may be inaccurate.
Think about your own body language. You’ve had a tough day, but let’s say you have concluded important talks with a customer and it looks like you will get the business. You’re tired, so you walk into your office with your head down, eyes on the floor, and maybe slumped shoulders. You may be pleased with the outcome of the meeting, but those who see you might wrongly assume that the session went poorly and that the deal is off.
Fortunately, your assistant asks you, “How did things go?” “Great,” you reply, “But I need to take a break.”
The point is, you can’t make an accurate interpretation from one or two gestures. You have to see the gesture in context and as exhibited by an individual. Certainly, if you think you are getting mixed messages from verbal and body communications, then it is wise to ask a question or two.
Let’s assume, for example, that one of your staff members looks tense but is talking calmly, coolly, and objectively about a situation. It might be wise for you to say, “It looks like you’re tense or concerned about the delivery to the warehouse.” That comment will encourage the person to share their concerns.
Your questions should be asked in a quiet voice, without judgment. Give your staff member the opportunity to correct any misunderstanding or, on the other hand, verify your interpretation. The response to your query may even be subject to question. Is the speaker’s vocal pitch, intensity, or pace different from his usual way of speaking? The response may be neutral—“Everything’s OK”— but the nonverbals may give additional clues. You may have to probe further. Chat with the person on a neutral subject to determine what’s normal, before you try to interpret how the individual reacts to an unpleasant issue.
Keep in mind, too, that people may give false nonverbal clues. For instance, Larry is a merchandising manager at a major retail chain. He likes to tell jokes— lots of jokes—and almost all are bad, either offensive or unfunny. Yet Carol, his administrative assistant, smiles and laughs at each and every one of his jokes— even the blue, sexist ones. Does she think he’s funny? Ask the other assistants with whom she lunches. She would like to sue the man for sexual harassment, but “Times are tough, and I need the job,” she tells her pals.
Unconscious body language, however, can tell us a lot about what a person is feeling or thinking. Often, managers ask me how they can tell if an employee is lying. I suggest they check out their staff members’ body language.