Besides learning how to use voice, body, gestures, and posture, you should understand proxemics, the study of spatial relationships and our use and appreciation of space, which is also part of how body language impacts interpersonal communications.
The term proxemics was coined by researcher E. T. Hall in 1963, when he investigated our use of personal space in contrast with fixed and semifixed space. A fixed space might be an office, whereas a semifixed feature might be furniture. Informal space is the distance between us and another party. What is comfortable informal space depends on the situation. For instance, guests at your own home are likely to stand closer to you than colleagues in your office, plant, or store. When we intrude into another person’s informal space, we can arouse defensive or hostile reactions. We can get that same kind of response if we invade someone’s personal fixed space, like entering someone’s office or semifixed space, like sitting in someone’s chair. As adults, we are better able to control our outrage when someone sits in our chair than a child who comes into class and finds another youngster in her chair. The very elderly can also be sensitive about their personal turf. Try to move an elderly resident in a nursing home to another table in the dining room, and you will see what I mean.
In your office, while your boss might smile if he sees you sitting at his desk, even if you are sitting there to write a note to him, you might see a fleeting irritation. Likewise, if you borrow a chair from a peer’s cubicle without asking, your colleague may not say anything but may see your action as trespassing.
The distance between you and another can convey a desire for intimacy, declare a lack of interest, or indicate a desire to increase or decrease domination over the person. Spatial changes give a tone to a communication, accent it, and at times even counteract the spoken word.
Let’s assume that you are sitting at your desk and a staff member enters your office. Rather than stand on the other side of your desk or sit in the chair in front of your desk (think subordinate positions), she stands very near your chair. Although it’s your office and your desk, all symbols of your authority, she is standing, which is a symbol of control. Such dominant body language might make you feel defensive and likely would influence the subsequent conversation on a sub- conscious level. The further a staff member stands from your desk, the less authoritative the body language and, perhaps, the more convivial the communication because you don’t feel threatened. One manager told me about his boss who immediately tells employees to take a chair when they enter his office.
In the case of competitive colleagues, you can see proxemics at work at group meetings, one-on-one sessions, and even office gatherings. Dale, Howard, Robert, and Tony all report to Sally. When Sally calls meetings, Dale claims the chair immediately opposite her, because sitting opposite the boss is a power position. Howard, Robert, and Tony each head for the chairs nearest to Sally.
Tony once told me about an argument that he had with Robert in Robert’s office. Tony had a proposal for Robert’s approval and went to his office to review its key points. He sat across the desk from Robert—so far, so good—but then he put the proposal before Robert, which was a bad move. As Robert listened to Tony’s explanation of the proposal, he began to shift items on his desk until the proposal was moved to Tony’s side of the desk. In essence, Robert was reasserting his dominance over the desk and, indirectly, reminding Tony that he had not yet accepted the proposal.
As Tony got up, he picked up the proposal and, this time, handed it to Robert, who took the document and put it in his briefcase, another dominant gesture.
I don’t need to tell you how Dale, Howard, Robert, and even my friend Tony hover around Sally at social occasions at their office, each demonstrating their desire to be heir apparent. There is talk that Sally plans to make one of her four middle-level managers the supervisor of the other three. No one knows yet who will get the position—Sally hasn’t given any clues. She would seem to be better at controlling her body language than her direct reports.
Voice, facial and body gestures, posture, and distance—all are forms of body language. They can strengthen your communication or damage it. Just as you develop and master verbal communications and listening skills, you need to master body language.
Did You Know . . . ? Britons and Americans tend to leave more personal space around them than other nationalities and are more likely to move away if they feel that their space is being invaded. People who live in rural areas also seem to prefer to stand further apart than city dwellers.
Tips When standing near people, leave a personal space of about a yard.
To show that what you are hearing interests you, tilt your head slightly and make friendly eye contact.
Take that pen or pencil out of your mouth. A throwback to the need to be nursed, it demonstrates that you are feeling fearful or uncomfortable.